Hate Is A Strong Word For An 11 Year Old!

These first days of middle school have been rough to say the least. Problems were written on the board for them to copy down & answer. He copied the first one down & answered, then the second, then the third, then class was over. Did we copy all the problems down first then go back an answer them? Nope! Already we are having a mix of homework misplaced, not done, or hidden as to not have to cut into his personal time at home.

After finding some of the work hidden in the back of his binder & him coming clean that he hid it as to not have to do it we had a little bit of a blow out & that included punishment but after that it seemed as though we were doing good. That is until I found work as well as a weekly progress report showing missing work with a note from his teacher that didn’t make it out of his bag. Its so hard because I know some of it is Autism & some of it is 11 year old boy but those two mesh together so much its hard to tell what is one or the other. So needless to say we came to blows (put down the phone, stop calling DHS, not those kind of blows!) There was an unabashed conversation about his inability to carry much of any of his own responsibilities, there was a calling out of his failure to do work that is required even if he thinks he shouldn’t have to do it, & there were tears! Whats the last thing you want to do to a kid with autism before you send him to middle school… pretty much everything I just said I did but what are you going to do!?! At some point you see him getting older & realize he is that scary in between that terrifies me! He is so high functioning that he can do these things but he still has flippin’ autism so these things are sometimes ridiculously hard for him to do or understand but again at the same time he has to be prepared for high school, college, life, a job, & an unforgiving society that in most cases would rather eat him alive than cut him a break.

When he got home we backed off a bit & tried to just help with work but give lots of support. Trying to stay consistent in our approach is one of the hardest parts because with any other kid you would be like
‘okay, this isn’t working lets switch it up’ & that will just confuse this kid. I knew this was all coming, I knew that autism was a rock, middle school was a hard place, & we would eventually get stuck in-between them but I just didn’t think it would happen this fast. All this I can handle! All these things I can swallow! All these things you have just read we can overcome. That is after I’m able to get over what we founding his school folder:

Let me tell you, I sat & watched them Emmy’s last night just to see if they called my name because I feel like I should get some kind of award for me performance as ‘Dad who comes at the situation with an even hand despite their heart being ripped out of my chest’ My wife handled it better than I did but we had a talk about hate, parents, self pity, responsibility, growing up, & more. With any luck we’ve made some progress but you can’t know until you let it ride to see. I know the kid doesn’t hate me. I know that we will get through all this. I know that he will be able to take on all this new stuff but knowing all that doesn’t mean any of it comes easy.

7 thoughts on “Hate Is A Strong Word For An 11 Year Old!

  1. aspiegurl

    I was diagnosed with Asperger’s about 20 years ago, when I was 4. I found this site through a video. I have a blog you can check out. I wrote my life story on it over the winter. I also mention my interests. My name links to it

    Reply
    1. Tom Hibben

      @Joyangel I removed your comment because you are pretty uninformed, a bit hateful, & on this blog that gets your comment removed. So yeah…if thats how you wanna talk to people move on. Thanks!

      Reply
    2. Joyangel

      Sorry about the strong language but I got very upset about reading this post about your son. It really struck a chord with me and stir up some bad memories of my childhood. I can relate to you son’s feelings and this post about your son told of a similar situation I had went through when I was a kid. The thing that upset me is that I feel that you ether don’t know how you son feels or you are ignoring his feelings I like to think it’s the first one. BTW: When I was a kid, I too ask why my parents hate me. I just felt trapped like no could/would hear me.

      Reply
  2. Rebecca

    Thanks for your blatant honesty. It is appreciated. I struggle daily with, “my son is too high functioning for this to be a problem”. I am constantly second guessing myself on what is a real issue for him and what is him taking advantage of anyone who will lend him an ear. I feel like my world has been turned upside down. I’ve explained to my child that I don’t know when he is telling the truth about feeling sick… I just don’t no when he really feels sick or just doesn’t want to go to school because he’d rather stay home. We would ALL rather stay home some days. Up until this past month when Asperger’s was suggested to me, I felt that he was just playing games with adults and sitting back and laughing at the chaos he’d created, at how all the teachers would run around clueless and play right into his games. Now, the only thing I’m sure of, is that I haven’t a clue how to tell what is real and what isn’t. What to “help” him with and what to say… um, no, we aren’t playing that game today. SIGH… it makes me feel incompetent as a parent. Because, yes, at the end of the day, he must figure out how to “function” in “normal society”. He IS capable. Realistically, I can see him needing help as an adult to make sure he has paid his bills, but there is NO reason he can’t have a great job, and maybe even a wife, if she’ll tolerate his sometimes hateful, blunt disposition. I’m not even gonna think about that. His sister told me the other day that he likes a girl at school, but isn’t sure what to do about it. Then he talked to me vaguely about “girlfriends” and having friends that were girls, and how he really only wants to be friends, not anything else, cause that is weird and feels wrong. I explained that he is 11 and he will have lots of “girlfriends” between now and adulthood. (One of his concerns about having a girlfriend was that he may not go to the same school as her next year.)

    Reply

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